Primus at the Sugar Mill

May 5, 2012. For some, this day was the celebration of Mexican culture known as Cinco de Mayo. For others, this day was the second Saturday of Jazz Fest, headlined by The Eagles. For me, May 5, 2012 was the day that I finally got to see one of my favorite bands live in concert: Primus!

A little background research showed that the last time Primus came to New Orleans was 12 years ago. That's right folks, the last time Primus came to town was in the yeeeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr two thousaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd (Go to Youtube and search “conan o'brien in the year 2000”, and prepare to laugh so hard you just might pee a little). Since that time the lineup has gone through some changes, and the band even went on hiatus for a few years, but there's one thing you can count on: Les Claypool is, and always will be, the Master of the Bass. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning.

This show was held at a place called The Sugar Mill, located across the street from the Morial Convention Center. The venue is a big warehouse, with one open side that leads into an outdoor courtyard. Really cool setup (I especially liked the fact that the interior was air-conditioned; perfect for a fat, sweaty S.O.B such as myself).

The show is hosted by the one and only Tony Clifton. Well, maybe not the one and only. I'm not going to go into a long history lesson here, you can Google “Tony Clifton” for the whole scoop. In short: Tony Clifton is a sleazy lounge singer character created by the late comedic genius Andy Kaufman, however, the character was (and still is) played by multiple individuals. To say the Clifton character is an “asshole” would be like describing Mother Teresa as simply a “nice lady”. Clifton is a crude, misogynistic scumbag.....but he's a hilarious crude, misogynistic scumbag.

Tony Clifton makes his grand entrance, singing “God Bless America” in that irritating, nasally voice of his. He's accompanied by his two “Cliftonettes”, both dressed in Statue of Liberty costumes. Clifton stops the song midway, calls the Cliftonette on his right a stupid bitch, and makes her redo her entrance. I can already tell this is going to be an interesting show. As Clifton reaches the crescendo of the song, the Cliftonettes rip off the Statue of Liberty costumes to reveal stars and stripes bikinis. God Bless America indeed. The song finishes up and Tony introduces us to the first band of the night, the Dead Kenny G's.

I'd never heard of the Dead Kenny G's prior to this night, so I didn't know any of the material, but they put on an entertaining show. The band's style is a mash up of funk, jazz and punk rock, and the majority of their songs were instrumental. They had a jam band feel, which usually would have bored me to death, but these guys have an awesome saxophone player named Skerik who really knows how to work a crowd, and another guy playing the xylophone (yep that's right, a freakin' xylophone!). They played songs from their new “punk rock masterpiece”, an album entitled simply “Gorelick”. I don't know what the hell “Gorelick” means, and even though they played the title track, it didn't help at all because the only lyrics were “Gorelick! Gorelick!, Gorelick!”. The music was pretty cool though, so I was digging it. They also played a song by the Dead Kennedys (oohhh now I get it....Dead Kennedys.....Dead Kenny Gs.....you clever cheeky monkeys you) called “Kill the Poor”, and they dedicated the song titled “Black Death” to the memory of the late Beastie Boy, Adam “MCA” Yauch (a bit of poor taste with that one, although tame compared to the Tony Clifton antics still to come). Overall, the Dead Kenny G's put on a fun, eclectic show. They felt like the perfect post-Jazz Fest band.

Tony Clifton makes his return to the stage and gives us a few classic Clifton jokes, such as “Why do they boil water when babies are born? Just in case it dies, they can make soup.” Check out the video below to see some more “zingers”. 

He then goes on to perform Glen Campbell's biggest hit “Rhinestone Cowboy”. Every time the chorus comes up, the Cliftonettes come out wearing cowgirl outfits and riding toy horses. The joke is that Clifton keeps repeating the chorus over and over, just when you think he's done he goes right back into it. Once again, a poor Cliftonette gets berated for a poor performance, as Tony stops the chorus and tells her to “Get off the f***ing stage” and takes her toy horse from her. Clifton closes with a crowd pleasing rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In”, before introducing us to our next act: The Budos Band.

Not much to say about these guys. Their songs were all instrumentals, and completely killed the crowd. While the Dead Kenny G's had a jam band feel that I enjoyed, The Budos Band was the typical jam band, with a horn section and bongos to top things off. The members of the audience who brought their friend Mary Jane to this party seemed to enjoy themselves, however I don't worship the green goddess, so I was bored out of my skull. Feels like a perfect time for a bathroom break.

Since this place is a warehouse, there aren't any indoor bathrooms, but instead there are port-a-potties outside in the courtyard. Unfortunately, there were only 8 port-a-potties, for around a thousand people. A guy in front of me said “Well this isn't any worse than a Saints game.” Yes it is, dumbass. This is much worse than waiting in the bathroom line at a Saints game. By the time I finally stepped up to the plate, my bladder felt like a sumo wrestler in a pair of skinny jeans. I got back inside, and there's a guy onstage with the Budos Band playing a jug. Yep, he was playing a f***ing jug. I zoned out for the rest of this performance. I've reading the Game of Thrones books lately, so I was going over the characters, cities and scenarios in my head. What is going on with Stannis Baratheon on Dragonstone? What about Renly down south in Highgarden? And Mance Raydar above the Wall? Man I can't wait to get home to start reading again! Huh, what's that? Oh Primus is about to come on. Back to the show.

I was expecting to hear all of the classic Primus songs. That's what a concert is for, right? The band plays all of their hits, with a few new songs sprinkled in. That is not what happened here. Primus was not to be outdone by the jam bands that came before them. I had no clue what the first few songs were, but they went on forever. Each song was like fifteen minutes long. At least I got to watch Les Claypool tear up the bass. Finally, Les stepped off-stage for a minute, and emerged wearing a replica of the pig mask that was on the cover of Primus' amazing album, Pork Soda. Guitarist Larry “Ler” Leland then went into the opening riff of the classic, “Mr. Krinkle”. Finally, I can sing along to something. Ler Leland absolutely shredded a ten minute solo in the middle of the song, which seemed like it was improvised. Great stuff. At one point in between songs, Claypool asks the fans to “give it up for the one and only Larry Leland, from the band Possessed”. That was a pretty funny line. Possessed was a death metal side project that Leland played in during the 80's and 90's, that had nowhere near the recognition of Primus. Les then pokes fun at his buddy Ler, saying that if he had to pay the bills from playing in Possessed, Ler would be “living in a urine soaked refrigerator box”, to which Ler agreed. Primus then played a song from their new album Green Naugahyde, and then went into one of their more controversial hits, “Wynona's Big Brown Beaver”. They played a few other songs that I (and most of those in attendance) didn't recognize. Finally, they played “Southbound Pachyderm”, which was just as awesome as you'd expect. The first encore was a song that Les says “we don't normally play live, because I usually screw up the opening”, and that song was “Fish On”. Absolutely perfect song to play in south Louisiana. They rocked the hell out of it, and Les did not, in fact, screw up the opening. The second, and final, encore was the seminal Primus classic, “Jerry Was a Race Car Driver”, which sent the fans home happy. Well, at least somewhat happy. There was no “My Name is Mud”, “John the Fisherman”, “Tommy the Cat”, “Those Damned Blue Collar Tweakers” or my personal favorite Primus song “Too Many Puppies”. Bummer. Oh well, at least I can say I saw Primus live, and got to see one of the greatest bass players of all time perform in an intimate setting.

Overall, a good show, but a little disappointing. At least I got to see Les Claypool, and it was pretty cool seeing Tony Clifton, even if it wasn't Andy Kaufman in the leisure suit. Hope everyone enjoyed this review. I'll be back soon with another concert-going experience.

Mass Chaos Tour, feat. Godsmack, Staind and Halestorm

On Tuesday, April 17, 2012, Godsmack, Staind and Halestorm rolled into NOLA for the third stop on their “Mass Chaos Tour”. The demographic at this show was a little different than other hard rock shows I've been to. More older people here than normal, and even a few parents with young children. I would definitely attribute this to having Staind on the bill, and you'll understand why as you continue reading. I was beginning to think that the show was a let down, until the end, when Godsmack took the stage and absolutely smashed it.

Not a huge crowd at the Lakefront Arena, but it's about what I expected for a hard rock show in New Orleans. Unfortunately, we just aren't a rock/metal city. On my way to the floor, I stop and get my first $8 beer of the night (8 bucks?! What is this a Saints game?!). I make it to the floor just in time for the unadvertised opening act, Man Made Machine, from Phoenix, Arizona. They're a five guy hard rock group who released their first album last year, entitled Become. I wasn't familiar with the band prior to tonight, but they were good and I think I'll check out the album. Lead guitarist Marc “Spank” Hernandez does a fun spot where he looks into the air and hocks a big loogie as high as he can and catches it back in his mouth. Hey, what do you expect from a guy named Spank? I just thought of a perfect group for him to start if this band doesn't work out. It's a mucus inspired Motorhead tribute band called “Phlegmy Kilmister” (Trademark it!). Anyway, MMM closes their set with a song called “Bad Mother F***er”, which was probably the catchiest song they played. Don't think that song's gonna make it to radio, unless they pull a Cee-lo Green and re-record the chorus with different lyrics. Somehow “Bad Mother Forgeter” just doesn't have the same pop to it though. Oh well now on to Halestorm.

I wasn't a big Halestorm fan going into this show, but after seeing them live they've grown on me. Front-woman Lzzy Hale has kind of a Joan Jett thing going on with her voice. Sorta gravelly and rough, but it works for this genre of music and the types of songs she sings. Lzzy, looking hot in her leather pants and jacket (rawr...), and her bandmates come onstage and immediately go into their newest single “Love Bites (and So Do I)”. Some technical difficulties occur, as Lzzy's microphone goes out halfway through the next song. She's rocking so hard she doesn't even realize it. Guitarist Josh Smith finally catches her attention and she switches to his mic, but that one craps out too. They do a great job of playing it off though, as Smith relishes this opportunity to launch into an improvised, extended solo as the techs run onstage and switch out the faulty mics. Halestorm goes on to perform their other radio hits “I Get Off”, “Familiar Taste of Poison” and “It's Not You”, plus a track from the new album called “Freak Like Me”. Good stuff. Staind is up next, and it's time for me to take a bathroom break.

Bathroom trips during concerts are always an interesting experience. The lines are long, so you tend to make friends while you're waiting. I had the pleasure of standing behind a young man who was what I like to call a “bathroom heckler”. He yelled such classic lines as “Hey hurry up, I gotta take a shit!” and the always popular “Just piss in the sink!”. Everything was fairly orderly until some young go-getter realized that this bathroom had showers in the back normally reserved for use by the UNO basketball teams. Those who couldn't wait for the line to move rushed into what will now be dubbed the “golden showers”, in order to relieve themselves. This leads to the best line from my comedian friend “Better not slip and fall in there. You'll get athlete's dick!” Classy.

As I return to the floor I have some time to take in my surroundings and do a little people watching. This crowd just doesn't look like a typical rock crowd. Lots of older women, and I'm not talking about cougars on the prowl, but moms and grandmas with their shirts tucked into their jeans. Then I notice the men with mullets and the people (male and female) wearing jorts. Hmm... this crowd looks suspiciously country. The lights go out and it's time for Staind to take the stage. This should be interesting. The curtain drops and Aaron Lewis and company go right into “Fade”. If you've seen a Staind performance in the last few years, you know what you're in for. The musician's play their asses off, but Aaron Lewis just looks like he doesn't care. Funny because right before they played “It's Been Awhile”, Aaron says “I wrote this song back when nobody f'n cared.”; now the fans care, but Aaron doesn't.

The whole show basically alternated between heavy songs and the acoustic ballads that the older crowd ate up. Then it happened. Aaron Lewis pulled out the acoustic guitar and sang the single “Country Boy” from the country music album he put out last year. For 5 minutes I felt like I was at a Toby Keith concert. The mullets and jorts knew all the words to this song. The crowd sang along as Aaron proclaimed “Cause Hank taught me how to stay alive; I never leave my house without my 9 or 45” and “Cause I've never needed government to hold my hand” (probably because you're a multi-millionaire Aaron). It felt like Bill O'Reilly could walk out onstage at any moment. Now, I like some country music, don't get me wrong, but this song is just stereotypical bullshit. The thing that stood out most during the performance of “Country Boy” was the look on Aaron's face and the way he sang the song. He was actually singing with emotion! Too bad it didn't last, as Aaron limped through “For You” while the band once again played hard and heavy.

Prior to coming to this show, I was really excited to hear Staind play the song “Not Again” from their latest album that came out last year. That song kicks serious ass, and just might be the heaviest song they've ever recorded. After hearing it live, it's obvious that there was some serious vocal editing done, cause Aaron's voice just can't make those growls anymore. Somewhere along the line they played “Mudshovel”, “Outside” and most of the other hits, and then closed with some slow song. Ugh.

As an aside, you know how sometimes at a show the lead singer will say something like “This next song is called....” or “This is a song we wrote back in 2002”? Well Aaron Lewis has a habit of going “This is a song.” Nothing else. Not the song title or anything. He just says “This is a song.” Yeah, no shit dude. Have you been doing monologues from “The Grapes of Wrath” between songs at other concerts?

Mercifully, the Staind portion of the show ended, and Aaron Lewis got paid so he can buy his three kids handguns for their birthdays. Now it was up to Godsmack to make this show worth the price of admission. At this point in the show, I reflected on something a female friend of mine told me after I told her I was going to be on the floor. She said “God I hate these chicks that wear flip-flops on the floor of a rock concert and get all pissed when you step on their toes or bump into them. You're on the floor stupid.” I looked around and there were tons of chicks (and even some guys) wearing flip-flops. But no one was getting stepped on during the show thus far, because there was really nothing to get hyped about....and then Godsmack took the stage and things kicked up a notch.

The lights dim and AC/DC's classic “For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)” played over the loud speakers so everyone knows it's about to go down. Behind the white curtain, shadows appear, and the crowd is abuzz. The curtain drops and BAM Godsmack goes right into “I'm Alive” and then transitions into “Straight Out of Line”. After the song is over, lead singer Sully Erna gets on the mic. I'm going to paraphrase what he said, it went something like this: “Some stuff happened backstage before we came out tonight. I was listening to the show and I didn't like what was going on. We made the decision to change up the setlist at the last minute and only play kick-ass songs that are going to whoop everyone's asses. None of this ballad, slow song bullshit that you heard earlier tonight.” I think Sully just made Aaron Lewis cry in his tour bus. The crowd is hyped now, and finally a mosh pit breaks out while the band performs the next song “The Enemy”. The mullets, jorts and flip-floppers make a break for the back of the floor, cause they can't hang with this. Next up is “Today Is A Good Day to Die” from their last album The Oracle which came out in 2008. You should go out and purchase this album immediately if you're into face-smashing hard rock, because every track on that album kicks major ass. Next up is the title track from that very album, “The Oracle”. This song is a six and a half minute instrumental track on the album, but they extended the live version to over ten minutes of absolute beauty. You know an instrumental song is awesome when you don't even realize that it doesn't have any words, and you sing along to the sounds of the guitars (“Wah, wah, waaaaaah, wah, screeeeeeech, bow-wah”). The pit is in full effect. I jump in and get shoved around a few times for good measure, but I'm horribly out of shape and eventually make my way to the periphery.

Next song is “Cry Like a Bitch”, followed by an extended version of “Keep Away”, during which Sully gets bassist Robbie Merrill to sing Queen's stadium anthem “We Will Rock You”. The band then plays the chorus and first verse to one of my all-time favorite metal songs, “Walk” by Pantera. I'm going nuts at this point and screaming at the top of my lungs “RE.......SPECT.......WALK.......Are you talking to me?!” Amazing. They go back to the chorus of “Keep Away” and then move on to “Speak”. The next song is “Love-Hate-Sex-Pain” and now things are really getting crazy. I hear a commotion to my left and look over just in time to see a woman rip off her shirt and start dancing. She's surgically enhanced and topless, and also posing for photo-ops. Well that is awfully nice of her. I know what you're thinking, and no, I did not get a picture. Sorry guys, but my Blackberry camera is crappy. And ladies, don't judge her. She paid good money for those, and she should be able to show them off if she wants to. She's eating up the attention and decides it's time to do some topless crowd surfing, so she moves up front and out of view. I'm not sure if this makes me happy or sad, but probably a little of both.

Back to the stage we go and there's no way in hell Godsmack comes to New Orleans and doesn't play “Voodoo”. Sully lets the crowd sing a large portion of this song, and seems genuinely surprised that we're singing this song with so much passion. Come on dude, New Orleans = Voodoo, and you know this.......man. Next up is “Whatever” and the crowd relishes the opportunity to yell “Better f'ing go away” as loud as possible during the build to the chorus.

Sully decides to take a break and asks the typical “Who here has seen Godsmack?” and “How many of you are seeing us for the first time?” Lots of newbies here tonight. Sully then looks at the folks up in the seats and asks why there are some people who are still sitting down. He says it's only cool to be sitting down if you're too drunk to stand (Sully: “This is New Orleans, so that may be the case for most of those who are sitting.”) He then says if you're not too drunk to be standing, then you're probably too old to be here, and you should “Get the f**k out of here”. Sully wants to see everyone raging and moshing for the final song, which is “I Stand Alone”, and the floor audience complies with his demand. Everyone is slam-dancing; bouncing off of each other like pinballs. This is going to hurt so bad tomorrow, but it's totally worth it.

Godsmack saved this show. They took it from being an average show, to being a head-banging, devil-horn throwing, hard rock, smashfest. Sully and the boys sent the crowd home rocking in the night air. Great performance by a great band. Hopefully it doesn't take them another 8 years to come back to NOLA. If you have the chance, go see them. If not, that's what you've got me for! Keep rocking friends. I'll be back soon. \m/